Archive for the ‘Unfortunate Events’ Category

Ok….first I was SOBER…let’s just get that straight right off. All I was trying to do was be a good dish fairy and put the dishes away….including a wine glass that had a stem.
I am AWFUL with wine glasses, and OBVIOUSLY, I do not have to be drinking from one, or drunk, for that rule to apply. Wine glasses and I are not besties. Wine glasses without stems and I have a much better relationship, but they can’t be too delicate and fancy b/c I am like Lenny from the book/movie Of Mice and Men except I’m not mentally retarded or unusually large, or disfigured.
So back to the massive glass clean up—–
Yeah putting away my nemesis… a STEMMED wine glass…..it slips from my fingers and literally shatters like I have never seen a glass shatter EVER before….and the distance on this shatter…..JEeeezUss. *sigh*
I am Uber pissed b/c I JUST woke up and had my jammies on & was reheating left overs and merely putting the dishes away while the reheating took place.
I didn’t even know where to begin…….but there were throw rugs involved and dogs live here, so I knew there would be me going outside to shake out the glass— FRONT YARD, not back where the dogs are. So I had to put clothes on……
Then I had to find a broom…..this is not my house and took a phone call to my friend in order to find broom, which by the way has NO DUST PAN. Seriously?? How do you have a broom with no dustpan?? I was told to use the Shark, but to take the bristle roller part out first. Ok…but I still had to sweep the destruction into a pile, and I think the pile of glass was bigger than the actual glass…..obviously just trying to be an asshole. I had no idea how to take the stupid bristle roller out of the Shark and was trying several different make shift dust pans. ALL failures. This resulted in ANOTHER call to my friend in order to learn how to take the roller part out (which turns out is pretty easy). Ok……so I vacuumed up ‘The Pile’ then set the Shark on the counter on which it decided to spit up some of the glass. AWESOME……so I now had to Shark vacuum the counter….or I could have just brushed the glass into the trash from edge of counter, but I wanted to make the Shark eat it’s vomit.
After dumping out the Shark’s vomit into the trash can I used it to go around ALL the edges of the kitchen. *sigh*
Also, did I mention when I was carefully trying to take the throw rugs to the front yard to shake out glass I inevitably spilled glass thru the living room. YEAH.
Anyway……I got the stupid REAL vacuum cleaner out and put it on ‘bare floor’ mode and had to vacuum the kitchen and found MORE glass as I was doing that– REALLY? It was like if you get gremlins wet and they start popping more gremlins all over the place, plus I had to move EVERYTHING….kitchen table….chairs, bar stools……
K….so now the kitchen is a SAFE PLACE……and I had to get the shark back out but WITH the bristle roller thing to vacuum the throw rugs.
All the time the microwave is beeping every so often….reminding me my food is getting cold. Yeah, I already know….Can’t you see I’m busy.
Alright…..throw rugs all vacuumed and looking better than before so that makes me happy…..but I still have to vacuum the entire living room, now.
Who breaks a wine glass in THE KITCHEN and ends up having to vacuum the living room? ME…..of course.
Gaaaahhh……ok……so I vacuum the living room and see tiny glistening pieces of glass basically laughing at me….but that crunching sound the vacuum makes when it is ACTUALLY sucking up those asshole pieces of glass was very gratifying. Love that sound…..
Also….I should never have kids because massive clean up efforts I find SUPER irritating.

I’m in Rio…
I Have HIGH HOPES for Rio…..and Brazil, that they get their shit together before the Olympics.
This is my EXTREME Close Up to ONE of the ‘Favellas’…..infamous for gun shots……muggings, kidnapping, drugs, and other sorted excitement.
Sometimes I like to open my balcony door and listen to the waves……I am skipping that this trip and keeping curtains closed…..not that curtains are bullet proof. And not that I ‘REALLY’ think I will be hit by a stray bullet…..but…..I think I have taken enough chances in life 😉
Anywho……I am still glad I am here…..I had a nice dinner and flew with good people and NO drama…..so all good December….still a THUMBS UP….so far
a

I was just thinking that I really wish that someone would just walk through the door and shoot me to death. Nothing too dramatic……..no raping or torture just a simple shooting will do. I could hire someone to make sure that it gets done right………….after all that is said and done I could be on Forensic Files.In the dramatization Kip, from Napolean Dynamite, will play the killer and he will ask me where should we do this…………I will open one sleepy eye barely lifting my head off the pillow and answer by saying it doesn’t really matter just let me put on my favorite ball gown…………its red and comes with long gloves.Nothing really bad comes from my death except that the liquor store down the street goes out of business.My quote for that day will be that Hating myself was my destiny and I was willing to die for it.Too bad it wasn’t already tomorrow because I am pretty sure my destiny for tomorrow will be World Peace……………Stupid timing………..sometimes hiring a person to kill you has to come before World Peace

Red Eye Alert

Posted: February 24, 2010 in HELP, household, Uncategorized, Unfortunate Events

As I have learned many times….the hard way……some innocently looking bottles of eye ‘solution’, ‘cleaner’, ‘re-wetting’, and ‘disinfecting’ drops……..can effect your eyes in many different ways, especially if you are just grabbing for any eye saving bottle of whatever in a matter of emergency.
Last week I had arrived from a LONG trip and Mr. DragonFly and I were going to dinner…….I was determined to NOT wear my glasses as I feel like a dork in them and save them only for emergencies, or extreme laziness…………
Anyway, my eyes were REALLY dry and I asked Mr. D if he had ‘re-wetting drops’…..he said no, but I was sure I saw a tiny bottle in my cabinet of the bathroom…….Ah Hah……Indeed I found said tiny bottle……How was to know it was actually poison??!! It looked like a re-wetting drop vile and so why would I feel the need to read further………..
Let me tell you why: The reason is is b/c this tiny vile of said ‘re-wetting’ drops was actually a “1 step to a daily protein remover’ and DEFINITELY NOT meant to be inserted directly into one’s eye.
Mr. DragonFly shook his head and acted as if I made a poor choice in assuming this was a ‘re-wetting vile’……..I responded by saying “How was I to know??……Really……the re-wetting bottle looks EXACTLY the same and it was in MY cabinet NOT yours”……..
Apparently this imposter was placed in ‘my’ cabinet by accident…………………
After realizing a partial mistake on his part— Mr. D further informed me to NOT put anything in my eye containing a red tip……This I found VERY useful information……………I had NO idea there was a warning or difference in color of ‘won’t make your eye hurt & water all night/ day” and ‘will make your eye feel better’
So all of you that are behind the times (I guess) and still wearing contacts and do not know this information I pass this VALUABLE information to you.
BEWARE:

OK:

White Tips= Safe Red Tips= Danger

ok….well, whatever…..Mammogram….
Anyway, today I went for my FIRST ever mammogram….I was a ‘wee bit nervous’ b/c I had heard it HURTS and also….b/c besides me being ‘at the age’ one must get a mammogram (for first time) My last visit to Doc he found a lump, so my mammogram was ‘diagnostic’ = uh we REALLY want to CHECK out like EVERYTHING……
Um…ok….I mean I felt the lump @ time of visit but that was December and since then I haven’t really felt it….and dr. wasn’t SUPER worried so I was kind of like– yeah it’s probably cool, just good to get checked out and all.
In fact when checking in for mammogram they kept asking me ‘You have a lump?’ and EVERY time I rsponded w/ a self breast exam….which later when I went to sit amongst those in the waiting room was probably not normal…..I mean who just starts giving themselves a self breast exam, in public….as a response to a question.
So yeah, getting back to the Mammers Gram….first of all….didn’t hurt. I don’t know…maybe b/c I kind of have big boobs so they don’t have to conturt me too much to shove my lusciousness into ‘the machine’.
After that I had an Ultrasound…since I was considered ‘diagnostic’……so yeah, dr ultrasounded my breast for like forever so like I KNEW something was up….or she REALLY liked my boob. And end result was…..”Well, we would like to do a biopsy”…..they showed me whatever the fuck specialists see on that B&W screen and I was like….”uh huh” ok…..
They have assured me it is probably nothing to worry about…and I feel the same….BUT I sort of thought that when I went into the Mammogram…..so after it absorbed into my mind and I realized I am having a 2nd biopsy in 1 month I kind of started to feel weak.
There were a couple of breakdowns, I am not going to lie, but I think it is important to face certain emotions…and even though I AM a strong person I am not invicible and sometimes I have to get shit out.
I do feel optimistic….I do…..but yeah….it’s just a lot to absorb all @ once……
And this shit is NOT cheap either so that SUCKS……
Ok….but things are gonna be ok….Just thought you might like to know what is going on and that mammograms don’t hurt…(if your boobs are big enough to shove into the machine)
And to all you guys…..I KNOW *SEXY*…but whatever…..
Actually maybe next time I get a mammogram I will totally do a HOT photo shoot so you are not all — Aaahhh….mammograms= girl stuff—-
Um….I think that is all FOR NOW….maybe

Yeah, sure this seems obvious….but it’s really something you don’t think about until you ACTUALLY make the mistake….and I prefer to learn the hard way…pretty much always.
When they FINALLY take you to ‘the room’ and you are just sitting there in ‘your gown’ TOTALLY HELPLESS….that is when you realize the Benefiber was a bad idea.
Do you re-dress and run to the bathroom, or just hope for the dr. to show up soon & hope for the best??
During this time you think….I am sure he has had worse situations…..
I haven’t had any kids but I am pretty sure LOTS of gross things happen during that process…..
My stomach gurgled for almost an hour before the dr FINALLY showed up but I made it through the ordeal w/o further embarrassing myself….except now I have shared this experience with all of you, which is probably ANOTHER mistake.
Needless to say I learned a lesson…and in case you are as stupid as me I though I would pass on my new life lesson to you

In case you were wondering where I was yesterday…I was curled up in my bed pretending the rest of the world & one person, in particular, did NOT exist. No need to go into details, but this person drinks A LOT and usually just passes out, but sometimes he acts like a weirdo, which turns into acting like a FUCKING ASSHOLE and it makes me sad.
(On a side note…..this person is actually a very good person….who just needs to work thru some issues….but yeah he needs to work through those issues….or well….it will be more than a blog, that’s for sure)
Sometimes it is hard for me to get out of bed even when I haven’t been emotionally drained & had too much to drink the night before…..I can’t remember the last time I woke up and was actually excited to start the day….
I mean I am sure all of you can relate— and I appreciate what I do have in my life, but I feel like I am in a stagnant un inspiring place and have been in a REALLY long time. I don’t feel passionate about anything and although I LOVE my job there is definitely a part of it that is INSANELY stagnant and EXTREMELY frustrating…..I will spare you…plus it’s confusing & probably (make that IS) boring.
Anyway….back to where I was– so yeah…..I set up Camp DragonFly in the other room and Sasha & I slept there. When I woke up I tried to eat but didn’t feel like……I didn’t feel like anything….I just felt like being asleep where my dreams make me smile no matter how crazy. So I took some xanax & when back to sleep……
I REALLY didn’t feel like it, but I end up showering, @ some point b/c I had a hair appt today & I seriously looked like a greasy haired junkie that had been begging @ the side of the road. I don’t mind going to my appt w/ dirty hair, but I draw the line @ looking homeless…..so I did in fact shower……but then I went back to bed….I tried watching TV but TV sucks…..so I took more xanax & some Lunesta & went to sleep (around 830pm). Oh, around 130am or so I woke up b/c Mr. DragonFly walked thru the room smelling like an ashtray & it sucked AND woke me up….he left & went back to other room though.
Since I was awake I decided to read a little from my book about cockateils & what to do w/ the Yiska egg situation…..it didn’t say much but I am going to follow all the advice I have been given & see how things go.

Today I have been productive…..I got up early– I mean for God’s sakes I went to bed @ 830pm….but I HAD to clean b/c my cousin comes tomorrow and really the house needs to be cleaned. Sasha also got a bath and I ran a few errands…..
My cousin doesn’t get in until late tomorrow night but I am having a biopsy in the morning & from what I hear it hurts so i am guessing I will be laying low tomorrow, but we’ll see….maybe it won’t hurt that bad.

This is a lot for me to share w/ pretty much anyone…..and don’t ask me about what the biopsy is for I don’t like to get into details of medical stuff…..I will just let you know how things turn out….I am guessing it will be ok.

Like I said I am doing better today and I am trying to get back to my usual persona…..but sort of needed to get this out of my system and I guess let you know where I was (physically & mentally)……
Ok….almost done cleaning bathroom then I am going to chill w/ some vino & do whatever the FUCK I want for a couple of hours.