Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

1. make sure not to press record during discussion about what you will say in ‘Hey Tell’ message
2. make sure you release record button after you THINK you have finished your ‘Heeeey Teellll’ message
3. The record button is not live chat….just smiling at it does not complete communication
4. If you are in the company of others, and feel the need to share a ‘Hey Tell’ message to an unsuspecting sober recipient…ATTEMPT to take turns speaking….keeping it short..
5. don’t e-mail and stalk people on chats in order to find people that are awake to torture with your Better than Life Message—— RIGHT NOW (ie…..Who’s awake….who else do I have in my contacts, etc….)

I don’t know which is worse…texting or heytelling…people can actually hear your state of mind instead of assuming it.

Break The Fast

Posted: December 17, 2011 in random, Uncategorized

Sooo…I just came back from breakfast and now I am thinking about the word ‘breakfast’ and I’ve decided it’s kinda lame. It sounds like 3 guys were sitting around coming up with all the words for the English language and they were all excited because they thought that they had finished…..and then one guy was like “WAIT….what about that meal we eat when we first wake up?” and the other 2 guys were like “Gaaahhhh!!! *sigh*” and by this point they were tired and over the whole coming up with EVERY word in the English language and so one guy finally said “Well….while you were sleeping you weren’t eating, right….which is like fasting…..so that meal ‘breaks the fast’ so BREAKFAST” And the other 2 guys were like….”yeah, whatever I don’t care…..that’s fine”
It’s too literal…..yeah….so I am going to work on a better word….but right now I am going to take a nap

Quaffee

Posted: February 9, 2011 in Uncategorized

You’re lying…..
VERY few people actually pronounce ‘Coffee’ Quaffee….and I am pretty sure you are NOT one of them….
Whatever words I MAY have picked up while living in NY I now feel like a traitor hearing the words trashed so violently from people TRYING to sound New York instead of actually BEING New York.
You may LIVE in New York, you may HAVE lived in New York, but don’t fucking try to sound like you ARE New York…..
New York is better than you ever could be…….

SERIOUSLY!! I GET it…NO ONE is ever ‘prepared’ to have kids, but fuck if you MAKE the choice under less than ideal circumstances that is your problem…SORRY.
1) the world is WAY over populated…..
-natural resources being depleted and fought over daily
-Government feels compelled to step in offering assistance to those that can NOT afford the children they bear
a) AWESOME the rest of us pay more taxes to make up for what you consider to be perhaps a ‘blessed gift’
b) this ‘blessed gift’ costs LOTS of us more in taxes for programs that support your ‘Well fuck It happens…decision’
c) then you carry on feeling ‘Hey look I have a baby’…I am now excused from anyone else’s time management as I coral 1-4 children…..gather sippy cups, back packs and shoes together, not to mention….not even knowing how to work your car seat.
Pull it together…..seriously….there are other people in the world. I GET YES…..children are a fabulous gift for many people….but for a GREAT many……they are a way of making their own life have purpose. I freaking read the status updates, the blogs, the non stop stories on the plane…….The pleading moms…..Um apple juice, please (frazzled and without sippy cups)
I think by now everyone knows how I feel about having my own children…..NO!!!!
If you DO have children…..be prepared…would you apply for a job you hadn’t researched?? YES…OK…I KNOW…..hands on experience takes time…and I am understanding, but YOU need to GET that you are oblivious and taking from those around you.
I was at the grocery store and this ridiculous….”HI, I have a baby in a big ass car fun shopping cart was taking up the ENTIRE aisle. I seemed to be patiently waiting……meanwhile….her husband noticed I was also trying to complete my shopping experience and SHE AND CHILD in the way…..he was softly moving her forward while she wooed over ‘I am a mom and baby is doing ‘whatever’
After he considerably and patiently moved her, she bitched at him saying I was looking for something and you are pushing me forward.
I wanted to say to her (and in defense to her polite husband)….He had the ability to notice their is a world beyond yourself and although you have a child OTHER people ALSO need to finish their grocery shopping…..so just move the fuck out of the way for 5 seconds b/c that is what it will take me against your…..I have a baby and I need everyone to think FOR ME now shopping skills.
I sort of forgot where I was going with this
Except that I also think that Invetro Twins, triplets etc…..are off setting what seems to be natural selection in ATTEMPTING to discontinue OVER population and draw more from the few resources we have left.
This Generation MULTIPLE Baby b/c we really probably shouldn’t have any in the first place, generation I HOPE will be REALLY good at bringing recycling our NOW natural resources….and perhaps they will be able to eat meals, like Pot Roast in Pill Form, like the Jetsons…..
Good Luck…..I won’t be here and I won’t be adding anything to this exponential outrage.
Ok………That is all

I’m in Rio…
I Have HIGH HOPES for Rio…..and Brazil, that they get their shit together before the Olympics.
This is my EXTREME Close Up to ONE of the ‘Favellas’…..infamous for gun shots……muggings, kidnapping, drugs, and other sorted excitement.
Sometimes I like to open my balcony door and listen to the waves……I am skipping that this trip and keeping curtains closed…..not that curtains are bullet proof. And not that I ‘REALLY’ think I will be hit by a stray bullet…..but…..I think I have taken enough chances in life 😉
Anywho……I am still glad I am here…..I had a nice dinner and flew with good people and NO drama…..so all good December….still a THUMBS UP….so far
a

NO Soliciting

Posted: August 10, 2010 in Uncategorized

We used to have quite a few people soliciting around our neighborhood, so some guy had the brilliant idea of joining the solicitors by selling cheap ass stickers you can put on your door that says “NO SOLICITING”. Of course, since I was out-of-town and Mr. DragonFly is too nice, or just stupid….he bought one of the stickers. So instead of letting it go to waste I posted it on our door. Does this help the situation NO…of course not.
JUST now 2 idiots just knocked on my door and being drunk with the anticipation of my new Droid X being delivered I stupidly answered the door. First thing they said is they are not selling me anything they just want to tell me about a product they are offering….Um…same fucking thing douche bags. I told them I didn’t have time to learn about a new product and closed the door.
I am now going to be working on a NEW sign to post on my door:

DO NOT RING, OR KNOCK, ON MY DOOR UNLESS
1. You know me, my husband, or my 150lb Rottweiler
2. You are from a respectable deliver company delivering me something I ordered, or someone bought for me 🙂
3. You are letting me know that my house is on fire, or that I am in some other kind of danger, I wasn’t aware of
4. You are a new, FUN, neighbor that wants to get drunk
5. You are being chased by killers and need somewhere to hide…
— also…..#5 is only valid if the killers didn’t follow you to my house….if they did I will call 911, but I am NOT opening the door, sorry

I hope this note will clear up any misconceptions people MIGHT have about me having ANY interest whatsoever in talking to them about ANYTHING

Whole Foods Orientation

Posted: July 30, 2010 in Uncategorized

Ok…so I am COPYING THIS blog…..b/c it is FUCKING FUNNY AS HELL…..but credit goes to my friend, Phoebe— VERY CLEAR…not taking credit

Ok. So i started my new career at Whole Foods today. Say what you will, I know my hippie hunting license is probably going to get revoked etc. I had some fun breaking down my first day and thought i would share with you all. Cheers.

WHOLE FOODS ORIENTATION

DAY ONE
7:45 – 8:15 waiting for everyone else to show up. (hippies can’t be bothered with promptness, man)

8:15 – 11:30 touring the store (viewing hippies in their natural habitat, sizing up the snackage)

11:30 – 12:45 natural, organic lunch of up to 10 dollar value supplied by flagship (you are what you eat)

12:45 – 2:00 lessons about natural/organic foods, corporate welcome film, mission statements, safety standards etc. (hippie propaganda, brownie recipies, down with the man movies, can’t keep a good hippie down essays, what to do if your dreads get caught in a mixer etc.)

2:00 – 4:00 benefit package overview (secret handshakes, how to use patchouli instead of soap, how body odor can work for you workshop, ultimate frisbee team sign ups, advanced hacky sack class schedule)

4:00 – 4:45 standing around watching the trainer hippie try to work a xerox machine (killing trees)

Read more: http://www.myspace.com/phoebejasper/blog#ixzz0vE6sU3ZA